A Conversation About Grief, Support, and Restoration
Insights from Joe Cleaver, Head of Counselling and Wellbeing.
Navigating grief, whether it's the death of a loved one or a personal health journey, can be an overwhelming experience. We sat down with Joe, our Head of Counselling and Wellbeing here at WHY, to chat about his role leading WHY’s counselling team, what people really need when facing diagnosis or bereavement (but might not always ask for), and how to find the courage to take that first step to getting support.
Q: What does the arrange working day for you look like at WHY?
Joe: My workday is definitely never the same! One minute, I might be handling a complex client referral, and the next, I could be supporting the team of counsellors with whatever challenges they’re facing, whether that’s managing tough cases or dealing with HR stuff. Then, I could be in a meeting with Lucy, our CEO, talking about strategy or budgets for the next year. After all that, I’ll spend the afternoon seeing clients. So, it’s pretty varied! And honestly, that’s what I love about it, the variety keeps things interesting.
Q: So, Joe, what do you think is the most misunderstood aspect of grief, especially for people who haven’t experienced it firsthand?
Joe: Ah, good question. The biggest thing I often find myself telling clients is that grief is not linear. It’s not a straight path, and it doesn’t look the same for everyone. There’s this idea that grief starts, peaks, and then slowly fades away, but it’s not like that at all. People might feel fine for months, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, they’ll feel an intense wave of sadness or even joy. Grief is full of contradictions, and that’s okay. Sometimes, people think that if they’re not grieving in the "right" way or at the "right" time, they’re doing something wrong. But grief is about you, and however it shows up, that’s valid.
Q: That’s really powerful. So, what would you say to someone who’s going through cancer treatment or mourning a loss, but maybe doesn't know what kind of support they need, or feels hesitant to ask for help?
Joe: One of the biggest things people might not realise they need is connection. They want to feel seen, heard, and understood, especially when they’re going through something so personal. Whether that’s through family, friends, or a counsellor, having someone who’s just there, who doesn’t judge, can be a huge relief.
Q: But what if someone doesn’t have that support system around them? What can they do if they’re not ready to open up to loved ones?
Joe: Well, that’s where counselling can really make a difference. If you don’t feel like you have that safe place in your personal life, counselling provides that space. It’s a place where you’re not judged, and you’re given the time and space to explore whatever’s on your mind. But even outside of that, just sitting with someone who will listen, someone detached from your life can be really healing. It helps you process your emotions and feel less isolated.
Q: It sounds like a lot of what you’re saying is about being gentle with yourself. What would you say to someone who’s hesitant about taking that first step and reaching out for support?
Joe: The first step is always the hardest. But once you take it, it gets easier. I think a lot of people struggle with giving themselves permission to seek help. It can feel like a luxury or like you’re being selfish. But honestly, taking care of yourself in these ways isn’t selfish, it’s necessary! And it doesn’t matter if you think you "should" be able to handle things on your own. This is for you, and it will help you be there for others too.
And the beauty of therapy or counselling is that you’re in control. If you don’t want to go at a fast pace, that’s fine. If you want to go slow, that’s fine too. It’s about you feeling safe and supported at your pace.
Q: In your experience, what do people really need, but might not always ask for? What’s that thing they don’t always realise they need, but makes a difference to their wellbeing journey?
Joe: I think it’s feeling truly seen and understood. It’s so simple, but it’s also so powerful. Sometimes, we can feel like we’re carrying this heavy load alone, or that we’re burdening others if we share how much it hurts. But in those moments, just having someone listen, without judgment, can be incredibly healing. I always remind my clients that there’s no “right” way to grieve, and there’s no timeline.
I also think people are often surprised by how much laughter and humour can be part of healing. It doesn’t mean you’re not taking it seriously or that you’re “doing grief wrong.” Humour can help relieve the tension and lighten the load for a moment. It’s part of the process.
Q: Absolutely, it’s like you said earlier, grief doesn’t follow a straight line. So, what advice would you give to someone who's just started their grief or cancer journey and doesn’t really know where to begin?
Joe: Start where you are, even if that’s just taking the first small step of reaching out for support or simply allowing yourself to feel whatever comes up. Grief is messy, and it doesn’t look the same every day. And that’s okay. Don’t rush the process; let it unfold in its own time. Just because you’re not “over it” in a certain timeframe doesn’t mean you’re not healing. In fact, healing is less about “getting over” something and more about growing around it, integrating it into who you are now.
Q: And what would you say to someone who thinks they want support from WHY?
Joe: I often see people who feel they shouldn’t ask for help because they don’t want to burden others. They might think “I should just push through this on my own”. But the truth is, it’s okay to reach out. I’d say, if you’re reading this right now, give yourself permission to experience what you’re feeling, and also, permission to seek help. It’s okay to take a moment for yourself, even if you’re used to putting everyone else first.
You are allowed to have these feelings and there is no shame in asking for help. WHY can offer you the space you need to explore your feelings and experiences safely.
We are here to help and to listen.