I was falling apart all over the place. Tears would pour at inconvenient and embarrassing times and places. I had survived the treatment and operations thus far and everyone around me said that I was inspirational. My emotions were loose cannons - shooting off without warning and disabling me from any sense of normality. I felt engulfed by fear and the shock tremors though my body. I felt weak and unable whenever I was out of ‘role’ mode. Sleep was fitful and I felt scared to be who and what I truly was. I was no more than a mess. I saw no end. I busied myself in ‘roles’ to avoid the true deeper me. I over busied and became exhausted.
The counselling came at just the right time for me. I think Anne was the perfect counsellor for me. A gift from life. It gave me the opportunity to share and explore what was really going on beneath my crumbling surface. It allowed me to safely answer questions and face some truths. I must have been ready as it all happened so naturally. Anne was amazing. She gently led and let go when I needed more time or a change of focus (I had elected and tried counselling much earlier in my cancer journey to no avail).
Through the course of sessions I felt that I was safe to fall apart, safe to explore feelings and options, safe to self challenge and accept Anne’s observations that I had not been noticing for myself. I faced my fears. Together we looked at what I could do that might make a difference. I took steps towards an action plan. My experience of my current world has evolved due to the space and time and attention that Anne and I gave to all that I was struggling with. I feel as resolved as I could be given what I have dealt with. I know that I still fear the return of cancer. I accept that fear now and it no longer consumes and controls me. I take time to just be and live in the moment whenever I can. I remember to have joy and truly feel it. All this had eluded me prior to the counselling. Not forever, but certainly in the years of cancer and the journey.
The counselling was entirely appropriate for me and ‘happened’ to present itself to me at a time when I was able to maximise the opportunity. I am so very grateful to Anne and PAC. It truly has been Positive Action on cancer for me.